In a culture that screams "be someone," "stand out," and "don't be average" at every step, being ordinary starts to sound like a sentence. We flee from mediocrity toward success, status, and uniqueness, not realizing that this escape often has a dark side.
Today, I would like to look at narcissism and the need to feel important not as character traits, but as defense mechanisms born out of pain and fear.
Narcissism Seen Through the Lens of Shame
Brené Brown, in her book "The Gifts of Imperfection," writes words that cast a completely new light on our need to be extraordinary:
"When I look at narcissism through the lens of vulnerability, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, lovable, belonging, or to cultivate a sense of purpose."
From the perspective of Recall Healing, narcissism is a powerful compensation for a deep sense of devaluation. It is the brain's emergency program that says: "Since I wasn't loved for who I am, I must become SOMEONE who cannot go unnoticed."
The fear of being ordinary is, in fact, the fear of invisibility. It is the belief that "ordinary me" does not deserve love. This is why we build armor out of being extraordinary. If I am the best, the most beautiful, the most influential—no one will reject me. The problem is that this armor separates us not only from shame but also from true connection with other people.
Example from my Practice: Client X's Story
I remember a Client who devoted her whole life to being "the best." The best grades, the best position in a corporation, a flawless home. At work, she was called "the machine." During our session, we discovered that as a child, she felt seen by her father only when she brought home a diploma. The "ordinary" little girl didn't exist. Her narcissism (extraordinariness) was the only way to feel safe and important. When we began to work with this deep devaluation, her body could finally stop manifesting chronic shoulder tension and digestive issues.
The Invisible Harm, or the Cost of Struggling for Importance
When we are absorbed in building our own importance to quiet internal shame, we stop seeing the other person. Our sense of significance becomes so deficient that we need it at any cost—sometimes at the expense of those closest to us.
T.S. Eliot captured this perfectly in "The Cocktail Party":
"Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They don't mean to do harm — but the harm does not interest them. Or they do not see it, or they justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves."
This is precisely the "hidden face of narcissism." A person so focused on "thinking well of themselves," on not letting the voice of shame reach them, becomes blind to the needs and pain of others. They do not hurt because they are evil. They hurt because they are in survival mode. For them, every criticism, every attempt by another person to set a boundary, is an attack on their fragile construction of "extraordinariness."
Why Do We Want to Feel Important So Badly?
Feeling important gives a false sense of security. If I am important, I have control. If I have control, nobody will hurt me.
In narcissistic relationships (or in our own narcissistic traits), this struggle for importance manifests through:
Devaluation of others
I must lower your perceived value in my own eyes to feel higher and safer myself.
Lack of empathy
I cannot feel your pain because my fear of being "not-extraordinary" takes up all my attention and emotional resources.
Constant search for validation
Every success is like a dose of a drug that temporarily quiets the inner critic and the hunger for recognition.
How to Escape the Trap?
The solution is not to fight narcissism, but to work with what lies beneath it—shame and the lack of self-worth.
- Understanding the source: Ask yourself: When was the first time you felt that just being you wasn't enough? In Recall Healing, we often go back to childhood to find moments where love was conditional.
- Accepting ordinariness as a superpower: True freedom begins where we stop proving our extraordinariness. When you allow yourself to be "ordinary," you will discover that it is in this authenticity that true depth lies. Being authentically yourself, without masks and the pursuit of recognition, is the ultimate superpower – it is the safe base from which you can build real success, not success powdered with fear.
- Stepping out of self-absorption: Noticing another person—their feelings, their boundaries, their distinctness—is the highest form of healing. When we stop fighting for a "good opinion of ourselves," we gain space for a true relationship.
Ordinariness is not a sentence. It’s freedom. It’s the moment you take a deep breath and smile at yourself in the mirror, knowing you no longer have anything to prove to anyone. The real magic of your life doesn’t happen at the peaks of success, but in the simplest moments—in the warmth of a loved one's hand, in the taste of your morning coffee, in the peace of your heart.
Extraordinariness is not a condition for being loved. You are worthy of being noticed and belonging exactly as you are—without the armor of success and importance. Your ordinariness is your greatest strength because it is real. You are enough exactly as you are today.
In Recall Healing, the healing process is not just an intellectual analysis and "knowledge" of the conflict. It is primarily about releasing the emotion remembered in the body. Understanding the mechanism is just the beginning—true change occurs when you allow yourself to feel that old grief and shame, freeing your biology from the need to carry that burden.
If you feel that this endless struggle for importance and extraordinariness is exhausting you, and you still feel empty inside...
Book a session and reclaim yourselfTogether we will find the moments where your value was undermined and restore your peace.
The article is for informational purposes and presents the perspective of Recall Healing. It does not replace medical diagnosis or treatment. Always consult symptoms with a doctor.
