Do you remember that moment when you felt deeply disappointed by the behavior of someone close to you? When the thought crossed your mind: "How could you do this to me? I trusted you so much." What if I told you that this feeling – although very painful – doesn't actually have much to do with that person, but primarily with your own preconceived vision of them?
Very often in relationships, we don't fall in love with or attach ourselves to a real human being. Instead, we love and like our own projection – who we would want that person to be.
Your Own Vision vs. Reality: Who Are You Really Building a Relationship With?
Our brain strives for safety and consistency. Often, based on our own childhood lacks or unmet needs, it subconsciously places "templates" on others. We create an a priori, hopeful vision of the other person in our head.
If, for example, you lack a sense of security, you will immediately see a "rock and support" in a new partner, even though they themselves may be full of their own fears. As long as the other person fits our vision, the relationship thrives. The problem arises when reality – meaning how people truly are, with their flaws and weaknesses – knocks on the door.
Our Interpersonal Hallucinations: Why We Attribute Traits to Others They Don't Have
Projection is a powerful defense mechanism. It's like an interpersonal hallucination where we project our fears, expectations, and desires onto a screen, which becomes the other human being. And this absolutely does not only apply to romantic relationships!
In relationship with parents
We expect unconditional understanding from them, failing to see that they are adults with their own, often unresolved traumas. We get angry at the vision of the "ideal parent" that they will never fulfill.
At work with a boss
We might project the authority of a father onto them, expecting that "they will surely appreciate our efforts," and break down when they react with ordinary cold professionalism.
In relationship with friends
We impose our own standards of commitment on them, and then feel betrayed when they react according to their own (not our!) temperament.
When these "hallucinations" burst, pain appears.
Why Disappointment is Actually a Moment of Awakening
"And isn't this exactly the reason why you fall out of love? Your vision has changed, hasn't it?" – writes Anthony de Mello in his phenomenal book Awareness.
Disappointment is not a reason for self-pity. It's a great opportunity. When you feel disappointed, it's a sign that an illusion has just collapsed. You stop loving or liking your imagination of that person, and for the first time, you have the chance to see them as they truly are.
Yes, it is much harder to say: "My judgment of you was untrue," than to accuse someone: "You disappointed me." But only admitting to ourselves that we placed inadequate "filters" on someone gives us freedom.
Autonomy in Relationships: Stop Projecting and Take Responsibility for Your Emotions
As long as you believe that another person's behavior hurts you (assuming we are not talking about abuse, which requires setting clear boundaries), you put yourself in the role of a victim. To build true, deep, and adult relationships, we need to take responsibility for our emotions.
Where can you start today?
Catch yourself in the moment you feel disappointed.
Instead of blaming the other party, ask yourself: "What was I actually expecting? And did this person ever promise me they would be like that?"
Understand that your expectations are your baggage.
You are responsible for the "scenarios" you create in your head.
Start seeing people as they are.
Allow them to be imperfect.
Recognizing your own projections is a process. It requires the courage to look deep inside yourself and regain autonomy. When you do this, you will stop fighting with illusions and finally start building relationships with real, living people.
Do you feel this pattern applies to you?
Your body probably already knows it. Book a Recall Healing session – let's find your programming conflict and decode it together.
The article is for informational purposes and presents the perspective of Recall Healing. It does not replace medical diagnosis or treatment. Always consult symptoms with a doctor.
